This is my God.

You gotta meet Him. The more I get to know Him, the more I walk in relationship with Him, the more I'm like - "I stand in awe of you".
These are not "church" words to me, these are not some songwriters words -these are words from my heart "You are so real, you are so amazing, you are so personal, I just don't even know what to do with it. I don't. If people knew how amazing you are - they would all run after Your heart, amazing God, my Papa."

My God is not boring (I will elaborate later - please just bear with me while I gush) - He is anything but boring. Unfortunately I will give you this - that *some* Christians are - and they give Him a bad rap, but please don't make this mistake. Take once glance at the beauty, creativity, diversity and imagination in creation all around us and know that Someone brilliant thought it all to life, Someone with an intense love for those same things, beauty, creativity, diversity and imagination.

This weekend I was having a brain explosion. I was not Miss Christiany Christianson that's for sure. I was frustrated and mad about alot of issues to do with Christianity (as we call it) and Christians. I was on a judging, angry, waring warpath. God is very personal in how He deals with people, its a person to person, day to day thing. This is why He gives us His spirit to discern person to person, day to day how to love, what we say and do and what the most loving and healing response at that time is. This weekend, those that were smart, let me vent and rage, they mourned with me over my issues and then prayed (silently) for me while I aired all my thoughts, they backed off verbally allowing me some growing space, not trying to indoctrinate me - but letting me process everything I was thinking. In faith they believed that my heart was seeking God and despite all of the mental brutalising of the Christian faith (as we see it today) that I was doing and that as I was His daughter - He could deal with me and sort me out. They did exactly what they needed to do - love me where I was at, and leave the rest to God. Those that were not so perceptive to my mourning (though well intentioned) tried to counsel me with well known scriptural truths - but truth not in season just ends up wounding and they were not met with a receptive heart.

Here is how I expressed my heart this weekend to a friend,

"Im in a weird place right now and im working things out... and being challenged is maybe something some christians can't handle - maybe they think Im heretical and maybe for their sake I need to step back right now because my battle is one where I want to get past the christiany -ese sunday school answers and go deeper and find real truth that I can take ownership of. I don't want someone telling me what to believe, I want it to be real to me.

I want to question; question God (not Him himself - He is perfect and beautiful - I have no issues with Him even though much of who He is remains a mystery to me), I want to question Christian rituals, question life, how to live my faith and question myself.
I want to have time to question my motives.. why do I get excited when God moves- is it because I love that person and want their salvation, or because I feel with His heart and burn with passion for them to know Him or is it because I am just excited to see God move, or is it because it makes me feel more like a "christian" because I have influenced someones faith...

I want to question why the church is so impotent when they have the power of God at their disposal. Why are we living such faithless, "normal" passionless lives when the early church was so clearly different. If we are the children of God - shouldn't we be different too? So why the lack or on the opposite end of the spectrum we have the radical but judging Christian.. Where are the restful loving christians who lives are like Jesus, and who have nothing to prove and are not afraid to be challenged and questioned because their faith is real and deep, tried and tested and their God is big enough for peoples questions and unbelief- so they do not feel threatened and close down. I want to fall into the last category but I'm not there yet.

..... I have a feeling that its a God thing that I am wrestling through this right now, but its extemely frustrating to be preached at, I know what the bible says... and I thank God that ____ didnt do that this weekend... and I think that maybe its totally ok with Him that I am not a mild, submissively accepting sunday-school quoting "Stepford" daughter, that I want it to be real to me and to know why I think what I think."

I hope this is enough to indicate the place I was in this weekend - you were blessed if we didn't talk!

Well since then my mind calmed and peace began to return and I waited for God to answer. I knew I was on the brink of working out alot of it and I called on the Holy Spirit that nothing would be lost from my weekend of ranting - but that all the thoughts that were from God that I aired would take root and bear fruit, and those that were not from Him would wilt away.

Tonight God answered it, He answered it all. A few days ago I had left my iTunes running with some worship songs, mixed in amongst it was a sermon from Bethel Church (iBethel.com). I had switched the volume off but didn't realize that iTunes had kept playing through the songs - silently. When I went to use my computer and hit the volume button it was playing the Sermon by Bill Johnson called Wisdom's Tension. Something in my spirit moved- I don't know how to explain it except to say that I knew that perhaps I was meant to listen to that sermon. However I am pretty stubborn and not that quick to act on things like this. I had listened to that sermon a few months ago and so rationalised that I didn't need to again, also I was about to head out and so I switched it off and forgot about it. At the gym tonight (a few days later) I pulled out my ipod and went to select something to listen to. I made my selection and hit it but randomly (?) it flicked up to a few songs above the one I selected - have a guess at what that mp3 file was? That's right - Wisdom's Tension sermon by Bill Johnson. Again my spirit was alerted and remembering what happened a few days before I decided to listen. I ended up praying on the bike on the gym because particular truth at the correct time moves and grows the soul - I was so blessed by what was shared. As the sermon progressed I actually exclaimed out loud more that once with joy and laughter because I was so freaked out at how it was EXACTLY dealing with ALL my issues from the weekend. This is my God. He is my biggest stalker and I LOVE IT!

Later I sat at my table, mind completely boggled at how lovingly He deals with all my issues and lack of faith, love and grace. Tonight I stand, totally in awe of Him and mind now at peace. (I will write another blog later about what the issues were and His answers).

Now onto the part about how He loves the "me" parts of me.
I am an artist. I am not amazing at art, but I have some talent and I love it. I find it incredibly therapeutic and I scored an A grade in my final exam of High/Grammar School at 18 and then took it again as a minor in University. I don't paint enough, but I would definitely list it as something that contributes to "who I am" and one of my great loves. A friend of mine knows this and has recently been encouraging me to paint prophetically (this I'm guessing just means to pray into it and then follow the spirit's leading as to what is painted and what style). Taking up painting again was something that had really been on my heart - so much so that I had already bought the paints a few weeks ago but only used them once since. I sat down at the table and prayed a simple prayer - "Lord your so creative, creative in your ultimate creation all around me and creative in your ways of dealing with me and loving me, come and teach me some of that creativity in Jesus name." My painting was not to be of any particular end, I was painting only for the pleasure of doing it, not as an act of worship or outreach specifically. I started to paint, planning on using a thick brush to do an abstract painting. Then quietly in my spirit I was prompted to turn the brush upside down and use the wooden end to mould the paint. I don't know how to describe it- except as a prompting. I was not thinking about changing my method of painting - in fact there was no thought process in coming to the decision to change style (I had already started with a different style of painting) but this prompting came and I responded. It created a beautiful effect totally different from anything I have ever done before, I love the final outcome. But what struck me the most was the fact that Papa God loves the fact I'm an artist. He digs the "me" parts of me. They are not insignificant to Him, its just one of the many parts of my being that intrigues Him. He loves to join with me, when invited, to be creative together - like an earthly Father joining with his daughter in a similar activity. I can honestly say tonight that He was as real as that to me. I've never before thought of how He likes the intricate parts of my character, I always just saw His love for me as generic I guess- He loves all mankind and so that includes me. Tonight I realized a Sunday School truth (how ironic -right?) that is - God loves me, for me. There is no one quite like me and He digs that.
He made me this way, and He loves to see His children enjoy their gifts. Not just for the blessing of others (which of course is good and right) but also simply because this part of my character, something that brings me joy and reflects a little of who my Heavenly Dad is. We sometimes mistake that our gifts are simply and exclusively for serving Him and others... but actually painting with Him tonight became a form of worship as He was invited in. In that alone it was enough, like a beautiful piece of pottery - it didn't need to have any more purpose than that.

He says..

I no longer call you servants but friends John 15.15
You shall no longer call me "Master" but you shall call me Husband Hosea 2.16

This is who He is, this is what He is seeking- relationship, to know and be known. Doctrine, structure, rituals they all are secondary to relationship. He is seeking friendship, our part is to seek Him first and everything else will fall into place.

In light of this intimacy sometimes I forget how huge He is, the creator of all things, bending down to paint with me.
I stand in Awe (and joy) of who He is.