Chase what matters.

A few months ago I was on a real spiritual low, actually a low of life in general. I'd come through months of trials and had more questions than answers. I was trying desperately to sieve through what is gospel and what is not, clasping onto the ragged remainders of my faith while trying to work out who God is and how He feels about me. I'd come through a period of spiritual, emotional and physical suffering and I was trying to see God in those circumstances.

One night I was driving back from a prayer meeting, where prophetically gifted Christians prayed over me and released words of love and encouragement. I'd come through quite a traumatic time and the words were hard to swallow, in fact I could almost tangibly feel them bouncing off my spirit. The words came back and tried again to penetrate the protective casing of my heart, but relentlessly my heart fought back chanting "you don't know me... you don't know what I've been through, you don't know what I did, you don't know what happened to me... you can't understand".

One of the men praying over me declared "You are a God chaser Laura, you have always been a God chaser a truth seeker". Pretty bold statement for a guy who had only just met me an hour before. But it was true, even before I really walked out my faith, I described myself as someone who wanted and sought truth, I'd even used those words before - a truth seeker.

As I was driving home that night a million things swirled through my mind, painful memories of things I didn't understand and flash feelings of hurt and abandonment. Discouragement started to seep back in through the cracks of my growing insecurity concerning His love for me. Remembering the man's words, I angrily spoke out to the Lord "Well Lord, I'm done chasing. I chased you and I got hurt real bad and now I've learned my lesson, my chasing days are over".

Literally moments later I drove past a billboard for Chase Bank. The words screamed down at me "CHASE WHAT MATTERS". I had to smile, a tearful smile, He'd caught me off guard. No sooner had a spoken than He'd gotten the last word in.



He was speaking and straining my ear to hear I sensed Him say, "I see you. I see your pain and I do understand how your feeling. But Chase me. I know everything about You, I created You and I know your thoughts before you think them. Chase me. I love you, and I have a plan for you, there are things you don't see yet. Chase me because I chase you, I preempt you because I know your days, your hours, your moments, you are very precious in my eyes. Chase me because I AM LOVE, don't ever stop Chasing what matters."

Stewardship

Blurry eyed email checking while sipping strong coffee has become my morning ritual in school. Its become a kind of sacred time when I get to gather myself, meditate and mentally stretch before the teaching day begins. The exception that impedes on this routine is Thursday morning library duty; at this time I get baptism of fire into the day watching over a crowd of hyperactive children, who interestingly appear to all be morning people.

Sometimes when I’m more in the humour for it I engage with games and conversation, but on this partiular Thursday I took a seat by the librarians desk and tried to block out the noise around me. Sentimental people would say there are few things more beautiful than the bubbling sound of children playing, those people obiviously don’t do library duty before 8am.

I propped my head onto my hands, sighed and closed my eyes. The final month of the year is always the toughest; teaching is such a soul consuming job and by this stage in the year all energy is spent, there is a feeling of having nothing left to give.

 “Teeaccheerrr” a little voice whispered in my ear. I recognised the long drawn out sounds and persuasive intonation to be that of a Korean english speaker. Shaking my head to clear the fuzziness, I turned to face the voice to be met by one of our reception children’s hopeful face.

 “Mhmmm” I responded.

“Could I have one piece of paper”. It struck me as cute that she specified one. 

“Sure...” I mumured while handing a crisp white sheet that seemed bright with the expectantancy of being a canvas for a child’s masterpiece.

The child wandered back to a table and started to work with a purple crayon. 

"No running in the library" I tried my best commanding voice hoping that it might produce a instant response. I watched as the two boys dived headfirst into the reading bean bags, at least they weren't running anymore. Sighing I rested my head back in my hands and gently breathed all the air out of my lungs, before sucking it back in to maximum capacity. "5 days", I mentally encouraged myself. "5 more days, then... I can rest."

 “Ms McCullough” a different voice punctured my daze like a finger bursting a bubble.

“Uh huh“ I grunted not opening my eyes this time.

“Could I have one piece of paper”

“Ok ... here you go..” I responded, wondering who taught them to speak like this requesting one piece of paper rather than ‘a’ piece of paper. The words sounded odd in my ears.

I look around to see if there was going to be any more requests. I could see another reception child watching the one who had just left me, she spotted the paper and traced the steps back to the source. Catching my eye she ran over,

“Good morning Ms McCullough” she sang.

“Would you like some paper” I pre-empted her.

“Yes please, can I have one piece”.

I passed her a bunch of paper instead, expecting that she would take it to the table where the others were drawing to share with any other budding artists. But instead she took the bunch of paper and went and sat down with it, keeping it to herself.

 “Ruby” I called her back to me. 

“How about I give you this bunch of paper and then you can give it out to the others who don’t have any”

Her face lit up like a candle at the prospect of this great responsibilty. She straightened herself and took the paper back towards the desk, running to the others enthusiastically giving out the paper to anyone that dared to look in her direction.

As I watched her I sensed the presense of the Holy Spirit and I knew He was speaking to my soul... I strained my Spirit to listen.

 “Its more blessed to give than to recieve” He prompted.

As I watched her run from child to child offering them paper I saw the correlation between this and the Kingdom of Heaven. God gives each of us some things more abundantly than other people...  monetarily, physically, emotionally, spiritually but in each it was never intended to just be a gift for us but to be shared, each’s gift is different so that we learn to need eachother.

As the Jews were a blessed people and gentiles knew that God was with them because of that – so I believe, He remains the same today. He desires to bless us beyond what we ask for, He desires us to persue Him for life in its fullness, but He does not bless us simply to privledge us just to bless us above others or to please ourselves by hording treasure. As I watched Ruby’s job I could see blessings increase in their beauty and significance as they are shared.

A few days later I was talking with someone about the prosperity gospel. They were saying that they couldn’t find the “health and wealth” teaching in any of Jesus teachings. I listened and let the words marinate, not yet having an opinion I wanted to see what He would teach me about this.  Abba reminded me of Ruby.

“What if you had only given her what she asked for... one piece of paper... the other children would not have received. But you gave her the position of steward to bless her and others.”

 Perhaps as such, is in the Kingdom. For those who have been blessed with education, good jobs and positions of authority we should not despise what we have been given but steward it. Does it help the poor for us to join them, living with them on the streets? Does it help them any more than if we were to horde our treasure? What if we were to choose to live simply so that we can choose to develop a spirit of generosity and not a spirit of hording; stewarding the blessings that have been placed in our lives so that we can be a pipe through which God funnels His love and provision through. So it is also with those who have been blessed in other ways – our gifts are for us to share.

Bethel often talks about how God wants to bless us and wants to heal us. Jesus said the Kingdom of Heaven is within us, we must dig deep for its treasures and release them here on earth, "your kingdom come, your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven". In Heaven there was no sickness and there was no want. As Paul said, he learned to live with everything and nothing. Its not what we have or don’t, but rather the condition of our hearts to learn to sow generously everything at our fingertips. 

Like any teaching, we must live by His voice in our own lives rather than simply by prinipal. There may be seasons where He calls you to give it all away to the poor, because He knows that in giving something happens in our heart, our priorities change. There is a longing in my heart to be a person who makes good choices with the favour that has been given in my life. To be a channel through which the riches of the kindgom can be dispersed to those in need, to allow God to bless my life and yet sow it all back into His kingdom. To not be bucket that collects blessings but to be a sprinkler that showers them out on others. 

 

Josiah

Last Wednesday I fell in love... His name is Josiah.

My sister has been over in China visiting me, and one of the things we decided to do was to go and visit a foster care home outside of Beijing. It is a western run and privately funded foster home; bright sunshine spilt through the windows into the rooms, filled with laughter and a minefield of colorful toys to pick your way through. It quickly dispelled all my pre-concepts that had been formed by the horror stories that circulate about the government funded orphanages. Every room we entered was filled with children giggling and playing, the atmosphere was one of peace in a safe place. But as we wandered through, I soon noticed that each child seemed to have a physical disability of some kind. A pretty little girl in a candy pink dress raced around the room giggles bubbling forth but I noticed her face bore the marks of some birth defect, another toddler trailed himself across the floor in front of me as his legs were amputated in a recent operation, still another child looked around the room with eyes as big as saucers due to a problem with his heart. But you would have never have guessed that these children had suffered, by the joyful spirit that blanketed those rooms, you could sense the place was soaked in prayer. A place of hope despite difficulty, a place of joy despite pain.



After a short time we were led upstairs to where two newborns were resting. Josiah and Jayce slept crib by crib as we snuck into the room. As one of the foster care workers lifted Josiah out of his slumber and placed him in my arms, she described how when she first met him in a chinese run orphanage. Back then her heart had broke as she had seen him caked in dirt and for the most part ignored, as sadly as is all too often the case in the understaffed government funded orphanages. He was restless in my arms with the mannerism of a child that was in discomfort and so the foster home worker pointed out that Josiah has been born with dwarfism amongst many other problems including; a club foot, a hand deformity, megacolon and hypospadias. She encouraged me to continue holding him which I did rocking him in my arms with care, despite being 4 months old I'd never held a baby that seemed so delicate and vulnerable. His skin hung in folds off his tiny legs and arms and his head seemed too large and heavy for his body to support. As I held him he continued to wince restlessly and puckered his lips to suckle. My heart broke as I beheld this little one, without a mother to nurse him, without health or strength, in pain (maybe constantly) and in distress.

This has been a difficult 6 months for me on the faith front. Discontent with how I am living my faith and the westernized culture of Christian religion not lining up with my reading of Jesus teaching, God has allowed suffering, isolation and hurt to be my teachers. I swing between experiencing His total kindness & relentless, tangible love in my desolation of Spirit that it brings me tearfully to my knees; yet at other times I get so despairing of myself and others that I believe that I'm breathing my last breaths in my Christian walk and losing my faith. It has been a season of the things that my head has always believed being challenged. Some of my beliefs survive the challenge and drop into my heart like seeds into soil, other beliefs get burned up in the baptism of fire and dissipate. In the midst of suffering I have been searching for a Jesus, a God, a faith, that is not cheap, that does not easily roll off the tongue bypassing the heart.

I have been searching for a Jesus, like the one in the bible: a Jesus that comforts and understands the broken. A compassionate God, rather than an answer producing, vending machine faith that slickly spews out well rehearsed Christianese lines, that are a pointless, salty band-aid to the truly wounded. So much of our Western culture of Christianity (the Christianity that I have experienced at least) is applicable only to the middle classes, to those whose idea of suffering is having to endure a carmel macchiato when they ordered a vanilla frappacino. Where is the Jesus of the dwarf orphans like Josiah, the Jesus of the child prostitutes in Thailand and the Jesus of the brutally mutilated and raped women of the Congo.

As I held Josiah in my arms my heart burned with anger at the injustice of this world, the in-balance and destructive sinfulness. The evil principalities that are roaring around unseen in the physical, unrestrained for the most part by us- those who walk under the Banner of the Son of God, to whom all authority has been given over them by prayer. Paul tells us that it is these principalities and rulers in the unseen that are truly our enemies and I as look at their trail of destruction I desperately wonder how to release the victory that has been promised. As I saw through worldly eyes the lack of hope in Josiah's future tears filled my eyes and I began to angrily question God why such a child is allowed to be born into a Chinese orphanage, only to suffer then die.



Abba Papa remained silent, except to gently remind me of my belief in the power of the spoken word. After all, the stars were spoken into being by God and thus humans being made in His image, we too hold "life or death" in our words. Faithlessly and questioning my own belief in what I was about to do, I began to prophecy over Josiah. The only words that came were "What Satan has intended for evil in your life, God will change for good...." to which Josiah responded by continuing to squirm in my arms and avoid my eyes. The whole time that I had held him he had not once made eye contact with me, furthermore, when I tried to maneuver him or myself to meet his eyes he would look away, not for even a second had our eyes met. I continued with tears in my eyes, "Josiah, I do not call you an orphan for He has told me that He loves you". As the words fell from my lips to his ears, he looked directly at me, his dark eyes settled on mine so deliberately that the stare seemed eternal, restful and intimate. We held each other's gaze for a long time and I felt the Holy Spirit do something in my own Spirit. If this child's Spirit could respond to God's love and trust in it in such a situation how could I doubt His love for me in mine. Tears filled my eyes and I started to sing quietly the Jesus Culture song "How He loves us..," Josiah continued to watch me for quiet sometime and soon afterwards I noticed that from that moment his body had relaxed, gone still and peaceful.

"When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. "

As I left the foster home that afternoon I was a turmoil of emotions. My heart had been completely stolen by an orphan that I had known less than an hour and faith had been breathed back into my heart; but also a longing for the Jesus the disciples walked with. The Jesus who healed "all" that came to him, a Jesus whose very presence caused demons to flee and brokenness to dissipate. I left with a continued discontent at where my faith is at, but also a sense of joy and hope at our God. While Satan seeks to destroy, maim and harm, we have a God that proves Himself to be the God of the silver lining, a God who greatest pleasure is to take impossible circumstances, unlikely candidates and hopelessness and turn them into hopeful worshippers, kingdom warrior heros and joyful procession of saints. He does this by speaking life over us, by adopting us, by placing the Holy Spirit in us.

I hold onto this discontent with a seed of belief that there are greater things to come, someone once said "If necessity is the mother of invention, then discontent is the father of progress". ..

The experiences the evil powers in this world aim to use to harm us, He reconciles those same experiences into being our teachers and uses them to draw us closer to Him and reveal His love and kindness.

To find out more about how you can help New Day please follow this link...
http://www.newdayfosterhome.com/

"What is your religion?"

Recently I was asked this...  it proved more difficult to respond to than to simply say the name of a faith system. 

Below is a summary of my response... 

"I really don't know how to answer that... there are alot of ways in which when it comes to the system or the way of life of Christians that I do not relate to. The very word religion makes me think of sleeping in church services that are dull, oppressive and unrelatable and forced bible study running through those literature comprehension style cloze procedure questions...



When it comes down to it, my "religion" is a lifestyle that looks like this... - I find fellowship with people (of all backgrounds) who want to talk about God. My sweetest fellowship is with like minded people who want to see God be God and have life with Him (freethinkers childlike idealists within the Christian framework usually). I love listening to or reading about the testimony of people who have experiences with God (sometimes pastors sometimes just normal folk) and I love to worship and sing and dance before the Lord with others or alone (worship). I love to read the bible and search the words of Jesus for His person and His heart. I love to let the Holy Spirit mould me even if it hurts - and I love looking back in retrospect at the work of His hands in my life and in others. I love to encourage people to dive deeper into the heart of God and the life He has planned for them, to show let the SPirit teach me how to show love and grace when I don't feel it. I love to see God in little ways and expect greater things in the future. I love hear of those He's healed and the amazing things He is doing all over the world today. I love to see elements of Him in others. I love to look at the beauty of creation and feel my Spirit sing unprompted spontaneous worship to Him. I love to remember my smallness and His greatness, I love to realise deep within my heart that no matter what I achieve, or do, or whatever that without God my life is completely meaningless... even to me, I wouldn't want it. I love going to churches that are in love with God, drawn together by their shared passion, rather than those who are meeting "religiously".... out of shared belief "systems". 

Religion to me has a forced..ness to it -something that you do because you have to do it.

I love the Lord and am drawn to Him and other people who love Him... 
there is nothing forced in any of my lifestyle.. they just happen.. because He desires me and has captivated me and to I desire Him ... He has whet my appetite and I want more.. and this is how it was with people that would meet Jesus.. they would follow Him, crowds of them because they wanted more. Its very relational.. and of course relationships go through dry spells.. like a marriage there are times when the love is a choice over a feeling... 

Jesus is the door... before He died I could never have entered into the presence of God... now because of HIM I can have this sweetness with the Father, clothed in white perfection because of His goodness and not my own attempt.. because of Him I can be empowered by His Holy Spirit to be part of things that only God can do, because of Him I can have him as my closest friend.

So I guess the box I would tick is "Christian" but that word with all its connotations rings short for me..."

Denominational Division and Legalism

Denominations, Unity and Acceptance.

Denominations has always been a big issue for me, I grew up in a church that described themselves as "the only way", priding themselves in being separated from "worldly religion like mainstream Christianity"

However it has been my experience and observation that God finds us wherever we are and meets us there. Just old hymn declares "just as I am" there is something powerful in that unconditional love, that limitless grace that we are unable to hide from. It has become increasingly clear to me that Abba is not limited to or stopped by any one denominations perspectives or theological restraints.

In many denominations there are theologies and doctrines that I would say don't resonate with my interpretation of scripture, nor my experience of God. Yet I see God meet those believers with grace and love and lead them on their journey through life with Him. I too am on a pilgrimage that is not finished and so while I may disagree with some of their viewpoints I also don't have the final word or corner on truth. However, I believe that where there is a heart to seek the Father, He will meet that person, that is what He does. Who we have fellowship with becomes a choice - not a salvation issue. The form we choose should be the one that fits us best. We should naturally be drawn to where we are sharpened, challenged and encouraged.

However, if our institution or denomination becomes the definition of "our faith" we end up worshiping the institution or even a set of beliefs - instead of God. When this happens, we will want to either defend or attack the institution or denomination and in turn will feel threatened by others forms of worship. By reacting this way we often miss out on getting to know the Father better through the diversity of His people and the value of their variety of testimony with Him. What is true in my experience, does not discount the alternative experience of others, it is not a case of being right, God moves diversely.

He certainly moves through the gathering of His people, blessing and challenging us through community. He left us two commands, love God and love each other. Check that out for theology! It is so incredibly simple. Yet by labeling, defining and ultimately dividing we highlight out differences and make it all too easy to not engage with those whose beliefs challenge ours. I recently was reading the profound musings and writings of trappist monk, Thomas Merton, he stated “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
Imagine if all flowers we daisies, the beauty that we would miss in not having the lilies or roses.

There is power in meeting together to praise and pray but if we make it only about tradition and staunch unmovable doctrinal statements we can miss out on the personal levels of breakthrough that God wants to bring us into. It would be a sad thing to come to the end of life and still have the same view of God (whichever that maybe) after walking your whole life with Him. Our theology should be organic, grow and develop with our experiences. How ridiculous it would be for a husband who has been married many years to say he still doesn't know his wife any better than the day he met her.

Denomination have been formed and reformed, divided and redivided over doctrinal issues and definitions of faith. However, by limiting the movements of God into what we can define, within a set grid of understanding, we can hinder our walk from experiencing the new things that He may be doing. How often a church loses half their congregation because a revival arrives or God starts moving in a way that was not expected. We must reject the fear surrounding new moves of the Holy Spirit, because we are afraid of being misled or deceived. He always moved in ways that He had never done before, who else did He appear to as a burning bush, but Moses, who else got tongues of fire upon their heads but the disciples? Who decided that after the bible was canonized that God stopped moving in new ways?

Legalism the graceless executor

Often staunch denominational loyalty goes hand in hand with legalism, ironically regardless of the denomination represented. There are some unbelievers that I know that when I mention I am Christian they literally flinch. Why would a faith based on grace and love cause someone to flinch at the mention of its name? Legalism hurts people, legalism has a tendency to deny the humanness of that person and uniqueness of their situation. Legalism demands an eye for an eye a tooth for tooth, and devalues a persons encounters with a Holy God and intimate Father. People have been hurt by those who follow Jesus under the banner of love and grace, but every religion has hurt, damaged and destroyed, every religion has groups of people within that use it to control and manipulate.

Here's the things though, just as legalism dehumanizes so does taring everyone with the brush if they are within the same religious frame, it denies the uniqueness of their experience with God. I have met missionaries and pastors who are indeed from conservative backgrounds, yet filled with the fruit of Spirit and walking in closer intimacy with the Father. I have also met legalistic conservative pastors and missionaries who are so illogical, insensitive and unreasonable that they drag the name of the Jesus through the dirt. I have met charismatics who are true mystics, walking in daily encounters with a limitless God, and charismatics who are so pushy and forceful that I want to run from their presence rather than spend time talking with them or having to endure a sensationalist, emotion train wreck of a meeting. I'm not calling anyone salvation into question - its not a salvation issue. Simply an observation that swinging to either extreme is not the answer

A lot of spiritual development also comes from how willing we are to search and seek out with an open mind the heart of God. We mustn't judge by someone's place of gathering or the denomination that they fall under, but instead from the light in their eyes when they talk about Him and the passion with which they seek new revelation and truth, which comes from spending time, real time, united and abiding in Him.

Behavior Modification vs Baptism of Fire

There is always more to learn and there is always more that the Father wants to pour out.

When I first received the Holy Spirit, the bible took on a whole new life in front of my eyes and opened up. As I have grown and the walls within my heart have come down and my mind has been expanded by the presence of God I have received deeper revelation and I know there is always more to come.

Much like when we go to school we grasp numbers in KG or Grade 1, over time we will learn more difficult concepts, multipication, algebra etc. So it is in the Kingdom. We come to the Father and we learn according to the level we are at. He is so kind. The Holy Spirit just blew me away this weekend with these verses though. They really brought breakthrough in my mindsets.

Matthew 3:11 - (John the Baptist talking about Jesus) "He will baptise you with the Holy Spirit and with fire..."



He then goes onto say vs12 "He is ready to separate the chaff from the wheat... gathering the wheat into His barn but burning the chaff in never-ending fire..."

Now perhaps I am the only one to misread this but the way I used to read that was this - Jesus will come one day and separate the redeemd - from the bad, evil people at the end of the world.

But actually I believe its saying something different completely.

We (our hearts) are a field. Jesus separates the wheat (our godly characteristics that His spirit produces or even the characteristics we carry in the natural, love, grace, selflessness, ) from the chaff (our evil nature of self love, self glorification, greed, etc - and also the wounds that life has inflicted on us that have created mindsets that are ungodly such a hate, misogynist, racism, cyclical abuse etc).

The "Good News" is that old covenant is done - He doesn't just tell us "don't live that way, don't think that way" - legalism never produces love.
Instead He died to set us free - literally free and now we receive His Spirit to help us to purify us, if we allow Him to baptise us with fire will burn up the chaff.

This will bring such freedom to our souls - so that as Christians with the power of the Holy SPirit resting in us can be the most free people on earth. He who the Son sets free is free indeed! What would the church as a whole look like if His children were crying out for the purifying baptism of fire? I'm not saying Christians as a whole don't walk in some level of freedom.. but there is greater freedom to be had. How the people around us would be impacted without us saying a thing, if we were to press into the promises of the bible like this one - the baptism of fire.. a freedom that is NOT behaviour modification or just "Try your best" but a freedom in our Spirits would be so profound that unbelievers would say "You must have God with you because you are so different and so free."

I'm not saying that we shouldn't avoid sin - we should..but behaviour modification is not transformation. Our efforts to be pure please the Lord, but if when we fail - it leads us into deep condemnation then it defeats the purpose. We must make every effort to not sin - but realise that the transformation is HIS job - and trust in the work that He is doing - while crying out for more, and not despising it when the fire comes (which is not always a walk in the park... getting emotional/spiritual/mental healing can be overwhelming).

Its SO important that we don't walk in legalism as it either puffs us up when we succeed or it defeats us when we fail. Not only that but the focus is so egocentric that it would be easy to fall back into the judaic steps of the Pharisees and become self-righteous and condemning of others. While we should try to live a Holy Life - when we fail, we must repent and cry out for more of His Spirit and more of the baptism of fire to burn up the "chaff" - calling the chaff out by name - there is such an unbelievable power in very specific, strategic prayer.



True breakthrough comes from knowing who we are in Christ. This will cause us to neither become puffed up of defeated - realising its because of who HEs (and not what we've done) that we have authority and freedom. Knowing we are already loved (not doing good in an attempt to be loved - or to keep in God's good books). We need to get past the self-condemnation that causes us to hide from His presence and realise He has already done everything to show He loves us - He has placed His own Spirit within our Jars of Clay. WE have creations power at our fingertips to be completely and radically transformed.

Doing church, knowing the bible, leading, serving etc is all good.. but if we are not "God Different" (by this I mean different from the world in a way that they could not emmulate because our Spirit transformation is such a Divine thing) - then why should an unbeliever look at us as say "Truly God is with them - I want that".

As I mentioned in my previous posts many unbelievers are walking in greater levels of compassion and mercy than believers. Father God just waits for us to cry out and ask Him for a heart transformation that will make our hearts like His - Jesus always, always asked people specifically for the healing they wanted to receive, He never forced it on anyone .. but perhaps we are too busy trying to please Him to ask? By climbing up into His presence like Mary, sitting on Papa's lap and beholding Him we can become changed, but often the church wants instead to polish His shoes like Martha and show Him what good sons and daughters we are.

Whats more, if we ourselves haven't experienced the breakthrough ourselves then what are we calling people into the Kingdom for? Is it really just a heaven/hell issue? Jesus called the Kingdom of Heaven down to earth "Your Kingdom come..." we are to experience the presence of our Father now - not to wait until Heaven. That gift is for now! Now is that 'gospel' - good news! Much better news than "accept Jesus - live a well behaved life and if you do you'll go to heaven"

Has our aim become that we just convert people to be "church goers" (essentially comfortable christians) who at best just have to go through a short prayer and then behaviour modification? then if all goes well, soon they will lead bible study, sing in the choir, maybe even street evangelize and lead someone else into the same life style.

*Once again I want to reiterate, this is not a salvation or a denominational issue, I'm not calling a Christian's salvation or relationship with Jesus into question but rather saying.. Do you want more freedom? And how badly do you want it? Enough to pursue and ask for more... enough to get still and listen to the heart beat of God and pray inline with what He is saying... Enough to ask and ask and ask (Luke 18.1-8) Enough to believe like a child for the impossible...

These unbelievers... could we instead invite them into radical freedom that comes from spending time in the loving, grace-filled presence of an Almighty God. A truth and a freedom, a love, that is so powerful that no matter how great their problems are (drug dealers, prostitutes, trafficked women and children, HIV victims, alcoholics), no matter how impossible the problems are (mental / terminal illness) that Jesus died to set them free.
That THEY too would have life and life more abundantly.

Are we "hearing" about God... or "tasting and seeing that He is Good" Psalm 34:8

Job 42:5 "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."


Suggestions to pray into ~ or to Contemplate
*a baptism of fire - specifically speak freedom in these areas Lord (list them>>>)
*a greater outpouring, sensitivity and awareness of the Holy Spirit
*a heart expansion that will allow me to love like Jesus
*ungodly mindsets broken (list them >>>)

thank-you for the authority of your name Jesus, its in your name we ask and pray~ Amen

Love of Knowledge vs Experiencing God.

I would rather I didn't have to put a VS in between knowledge and experiencing God (I don't think that it is always the case that they stand against eachother) but I have observed lately that often what we think we know can hold us back from what God is wanting to do, or how He is wanting to talk in this season. We often defend our knowledge with such defensiveness that we miss out on what the bible is actually saying - LOVE. It was no different in Jesus time the leaders and those who studied the law wanted to debate, but not out of a desire to draw eachother nearer to God but out of a desire to "be right".


I have recently been spending some time asking the Holy Spirit about why is it often the western church prefers to stop at knowledge over experience of God. Especially when we see how the Spirit of God pours out in amazing measures in poor countries. Why are we not asking for the same.. and expecting it? Now I know that there will be some respond - "their teaching is not biblically sound" or "the fruit of the spirit is more important than the gifts of the Spirit). I'm not interested in justifying one church over another, I'm not interested in putting down one denomination and uplifting another... I am not making any of these statements "salvation issues" -God loves all His kids. I'm just saying.. if God is opening blind eyes and raising the dead in Africa are you asking Him to visit your church in the same way.. if others are experiencing the power of God in physical tangible ways are your humble and childlike enough to not get offended but say "Father - we want some too!!!"

This just feed on knowledge (church and biblestudy) and not experience the power of God is not the example Jesus left, neither is it what was going on in Acts church. Jesus himself said if the works of the Father don't follow me then don't believe what I say.
Are we expecting too little from God?

Are we too busy doing life... or even doing "church". Are we too busy thinking of our own prayers to listen to the Father and hear what His heartbeat is saying and pray in line with that? Do we know too much... and so we have lost our heart of curiosity to discover the heart and person of an unlimited God. DO we expect too little...? "You do not have because you do not ask God" James 4:2

We see massive miraculous out pourings in other parts of the world and yet the western church on the whole is experiencing God in such limited measures. Often "doing" church in a way that doesn't require God to "show up" for things to continue as planned- in fact the opportunity for Him to do the miraculous is often not even created.


AS I pondered these things I started to read the beatitudes in Matthew and I observed that it says "blessed are the poor.. blessed are the persecuted... for their's is the kingdom of heaven". This satisfied me a little more as I realised that this could be why the Kingdom of Heaven in poured out in greater measure on these kind of people.

But then I though of the few churches in the West that do experience revival. (i am not solely in a blanket way about for example charasmatic or pentacostal churches) but the churches where God consistently heals, where is an extreme hunger for the presence of God and an outpouring follows.

The Holy Spirit then showed me that verse "blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God"... it is the purity of heart and childlikeness (of believing for the impossible) of a hunger and crying out for the presence of God that preceeds these outpourings. There is something powerful in the heart cry "I want God more than anything else".
Anything else - includes what we don't know (letting the Holy Spirit take away our limitations), it included what we don't understand and what we think we know (and as such what will fight to defend)- Knowledge. Are we so protective of what "We Know" that we won't let God act outside of it. When the disciples experienced the baptism of the Holy Spirit it was outside their grid of understanding but they wanted God more than their knowledge.

Interesting to note (I'm particulary interested to see what Jason will say on this)
that in the "Olympics" of the New Testament, Knowledge didn't even get a "medal", indeed
love, hope and faith were the medalists with love taking the gold - figuratively.
So what do you say to the western church, whose bellies are fat with Knowledge yet
who often resist the variety of ways God likes to speak.
One of the key reasons Jesus came to demonstrate the freedom that He wanted to church to be ambassadors of. The freedom that comes with the Holy Fire of the Spirit of God burning up the chaff in your life. We are meant to not only experience that freedom ourselves but lead others to it - and I'm not talking simply about the sinners prayer - but an encounter - and on going encounters with Jesus, the Holy SPirit and the Father that transform us. So many of the people I have met within the church have the Holy Spirit but restrict and limit Him because they don't allow God access, they don't pursue Him for greater things. He is willing to pour out more and more freedom, all the characteristics about yourself that you don't like ... some of which behaviour modification or medication can't heal... Jesus healed everyone that He came in contact with -and called us to do GREATER THINGS... can any of us say we have reached that level of intimacy yet? That we do greater things than Jesus? What do theologians say this I would be interested to know..? If we haven't.. how many of us are praying into that promise...?

I find it particularly interesting that when a well respected knowledgeable leader said Lord what must I do to have eternal life, Jesus gave him the example of the good samaratian as an example of how he should be. Ironically Jesus chose the marginalized, despised and not Jewish (chosen) to be uplifted as an example of love.
we are so well versed in apologetics, in our 4 point plan and even our "ministry" that we miss the wounded all around us. Its so sad to see the non-christians showing more compassion and love than the Christians, while the CHristians stand proudly on their beliefs and use them as weapons to harm, control and justify.

Check the book "The Tipping Point" where the author discusses a study of a group of young theologians who were asked to prepare a sermon on the Good Samaritan. As part of a psychological study the were told that they were they were late and to hurry to present it. The researcher prepared a hurt person on the street to see if the theologians would stop and help. only 10% of them did stop and help... some even stepped over the hurt person lying on the street to get there in time.

In my observation there is nothing wrong with knowledge, as long as your brain is switched on during the process and you are not taking the status quo "christiany christianson" answers but testing the scriptures with the most wonderful teacher - the Holy Spirit. there are so many things we say as Christians that are just learned responses - things that we have heard and say and just repeat without thinking. At church the other day one of the older men told me in response to a issue I was having to just "lean on the Lord" but when I asked him to elaborate he couldn't describe in any real or practical terms what that looked like. Could we be so wrapped up in what we know that we miss out on relationship and worshipping God in all the fullness it could be. I have noticed that sometimes (not always) those who fall in love with theology end up worshipping the Bible instead of God. The importance of love escapes them and being "right" becomes more important.

Could you be in relationship / friendship with me by following 4 steps and then reading about me? No you would have to experience time with me to know me and be known by me.
SO why then are so many theologians and Christians threatened by what they have not experienced? Is it simply because they haven't personally experienced it or is it that they are afraid of what they don't understand?

Self-Help Christianity vs Transformation of the Holy Spirit

Recently I was talking with someone who was very anti-experiential Christianity.. claiming that really we had recognize the Word (by this they meant the scriptures) over a person's experience with God. That “You may say, ‘I have never known such love. I have never known such peace. I have never known such joy.’ The people who belong to the cults will often tell you exactly the same thing. So we must not rely upon our own subjective feelings (or anybody else’s).”
I was glad to talk with them and listen to their point of view. Overall I also believe in the importance of the scriptures, but I have some issues with the church body wanting to stop at doctrine rather than pushing into a Holy Spirit led life.



Now I recognise that some denominations are very focused on the experience of God over teaching. But in my opinion, at the moment people are far too concerned with reading their daily devotional books and being satisfied with that kind of comfortable christianity. This to me is just as dangerous as sensationalizing faith. This behavior modification Christianity, focuses on rules and accountability, rather than getting to know the person of Jesus, the Holy Spirit and the Father personally and becoming changed in a way that simply can't happen with out God - a way that will be more than an in the moment encounter - or "experience" (though that may be part of it) but to get to know and walk with God in a way that changes your mindsets and brings freedom into your person in ways impossible by self help - ie in ways impossible minus the Holy Spirit... This is what it means to follow Jesus.
I'm frustrated by and tired of "self-help" Christianity, when recently reading Ephesians I noticed it pours out words after words about the power of God belonging to us (YOU AND ME!!!) now that we are united to Jesus. We are not meant to be like unbelievers we are meant to be radically different.
Why is it many Christians prefer to read about others encounters and experiences with God rather than form their own, claiming God doesn't work that way anymore but at the cannonisation of the bible He apparently changed. God has not changed, and neither has His word- which biblically is not the bible but the person of Jesus "I am the word".

Now please do not think that I discount the scriptures, I am an avid bible reader... but as much as in the scriptures there is "life" and the divine, they are not to be worshipped. As someone once put it "don't worship the principals, worship the Prince". I love the word of God - the scripture is so alive, and truly revives the soul, but it quickly becomes "law" like the old covenant if we just try to mimic what the New Testament believers had without the Holy Spirit. In my experience - the church tries to control things down to the last letter so much that they really restrict the movement of God. Reading the bible with the Holy Spirit as teacher is a very different experience than going to a dry bible study with "Sunday School" cloze procedure questions that require no enlightement and are not that different from a literature comprehension question I might set my class.



Does God speak mostly through "His word" (the bible)?

In our western midset this is inconcievable, we never think about it, but there are christians all over the world who are illiterate (can't read the word), who live in communities where they recieve limited teaching because they are so rural, there are Christians who are living here in China who are under oppressive government rule who have limited access to the word of God, there are countries where its illegal to mention Jesus name in public or to hold pocession of a bible, even privately. Does God just not speak to these children of His because they are ignorant of His word...
In the western church we are so black and white and "task task". We forget that we are dealing with people in all kinds of situations and so we forget to show grace.
(**I can speak for Ireland that for 100's of years Christians didn't own bibles, and once they were commonly own many people didn't read- they were taught in church Latin about the Lord most of which didn't speak Latin** Now this may not have ALWAYS been the case, but for many it was... did these people go through life and not experience a relationship with God because they were not educated?)


God has OFTEN moved in ways that were unusal- that biblically that He had never done before. Job is a perfect example. All his friends were saying "God would never contradict His word, you must have sinned, He doesn't allow the righteous to be cursed... God doesn't do this" and they had scripture to back it up look at the psalms- well He did allow those things to happen to Job. Job pleased the Lord cause he wasn't willing to box God but (though complainingly) allowed God to be God and didn't loose faith in His goodness or His worthiness of worship. Ironically God was not pleased that job's friends scripturally accused him in this way and in the end he asked Job to make a sacrifice before Him on their behalf. Job's experience of God at that time contradicted the mindset of the religious people.

People also accused the apostles in acts of being drunken after they received the Holy Spirit because the people had no biblical grid for what was going on with them. Sometimes God works outside of the confines of what has happened before. And why shouldn't He? He loves diversity, He is the most intelligent being and He is also the most creative. If we are following Him and not just His principals then through relationship we will be able to discern if it is His Spirit that is moving.

I am not attempting to defend one denomination, that word has little meaning to me. I do not try anymore to define my faith by where I have fellowship, but instead enjoy the diversity that there is within People connected to God, the whole spectrum from conservative to charasmatic.

I realise there is alot of counterfeit "experience" out there, sensationalism etc. But at the same time I am reluctant to tar all charasmatics with the same brush - as all being sensationalist and not being grounded in the word... I know some amazing charamatics that are grounded in the word but who in certain times choose grace and love over beating people who have fallen with their principals.. and in that they have been accused of having weak biblical understanding. A good example I have read before is "one counterfeit hundred bill doesn't affect the value of a authentic one."
I am also reluctant to tar all conservatives as "spiritually dry and unversed in grace and love" - because I have friends that are conservative and that this is simply not always true.

I will end with these quotes
"I think we have made relationship with God into not a relationship but about meeting requirements"

"Jesus said I'm the truth... truth is not a teaching... truth is a person..."

How He speaks.

"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions." Joel  2:28

Prophecy sounds like an intimidating, ancient and somewhat distant word. Many in the church today believe that the days of prophecy are over. Others believe that you have to be deeply Spiritual and in touch with God for Him to speak through you to others. 

Deeply Spiritual... like a donkey? (Numbers 22:28)

In some of the hardest times in my walk with God it has been the most unlikely of people and of environmental or circumstantial means that the Spirit of God has spoken to me by. How is this possible? In Old Testament time it was very specific chosen people, named Prophets, who God spoke through.

However this verse in Joel, explains a lot about why God speaks through such diverse ways today. We are no longer living in Old Covenant time, but under a New covenant of abundant mercy and through Jesus as Saviour a deep intimacy and closeness with God the Father.

Under the Old Covenant God was willing to bend the rules and speak through a donkey, now, under the New Covenant God's Spirit becomes poured out on all men. 

Looking at the last 2000 years its remarkable at how much technology, science, healthcare, education and general knowledge has advanced. The reason - God's Spirit of knowledge and creativity has been poured out on "all people". As such God's spirit can speak through all people and through all things.  

(NB: Certainly I am not discounting that God speaks through His own children. I would even say there is a special kind of anointing on God's children when they prophesy, though often they too don't realise that they are speaking into someone's life on behalf on God. Prophecy from another child of God if often more accurate and timely because many of His children are in tune with the Spirit and are exercised in actively listening to Him.)

But does God only speak and reveal himself through His children and through the Holy Scriptures? I would say, no. A recent sermon on ibethel.com remarked that some people look at beautiful buildings designed by atheist architects and say it was inspired by Satan. Really? Satan may be able to mimic an angel of light but when it comes to creative power he fails out. He is a mimicker and manipulator, not a creator. These architects can create beautiful work because they are created in God's image because His spirit is upon them. Does this mean they are saved? What about going to heaven? Not unless they repent, turn to God and walk with Jesus as Lord, but God has generously poured His Spirit out upon all people so that we could know Him. 

Recently I was going through a hard time spiritually, feeling far away from God's love and it was prophesied over me that I should watch the movie Pinocchio. Random right? What sort of prophesy is that? What good was watching a movie about a wooden toy going to do. However, one of the greatest parts of being in a season of feeling "poor in Spirit" is that you get to "see God" in a much more abundant way. In this kind of season your soul is so desperately crying out for Him and your ears are tuned in to His voice as you need comforted.

So despite my cynicism, I watched the movie and wept as God brought healing in my little orphan heart. It birthed a deeper revelation of His love and as He reaffirmed that I am His and that He loved me enough to die for me and adopt me into His royal family. Who knew that the gospel story, a story of extreme love and costly redemption could be concealed in so much of Pop Culture today. How foolish we are to disregard even the thought of God speaking through anything but the Holy Bible. Please don't think for a moment, that I am devaluing the Holy Book or placing the environmental or circumstantial on power with it's authority. However it does illustrate God promise in Joel to pour out His Spirit on all men (note it doesn't specify only God's children), the inspiration of His creative Spirit and God's one truth in Jesus is proclaimed everywhere, whether the messengers are aware or not. 

The story of Pinocchio makes the Prodical Son story accessible to a modern generation. 
I could relate in many ways to little Pinocchio. At the beginning of the story he is created with such care by his loving Father, but Pinocchio while a sweet likable character has no heart, he is not fully whole/real. He has a little cricket that goes everywhere with him seeking to guide and counsel him much like we have the Holy Spirit, and often while Pinocchio agrees with the cricket's wisdom, he goes ahead and does whatever he wants. 

He naively runs after all the wrong people and in a parallel to the Prodical son story, he ends up far away from home and his Father. He is liked by the crowd and enjoys the praise of men, but finds out too late that his "friends" see him as little more than an instrument of personal gain. He resolves to return to the Father only to get misled again, getting involved in worse things this time, that sadly leave a lasting scar (donkey ears and tail in his case). He escapes with the help of the cricket but sadly the many others that were with him were not so lucky. Next we discover that the Father got so worried when Pinocchio was missing that he went out looking for him. While he was out trying to find little Pinocchio the Father was swallowed by a whale. Pinocchio hears of this and decides that he must be with his Father at any cost. He ties a rock to his little donkey tail and jumps into the ocean. The part that got my heart strings the most was when they were reunited - the Father looks at Pinocchio's tail and ears and asks him what happened. Pinocchio drops his head in shame and begins to stutter a reply, but again like the Prodical son story the Father sweeps him into his arms and says that it doesn't matter all that matters now is that they are together, that he is alive and that the can celebrate that. 

They escape the whale, and Pinocchio learns the lesson of selfless love as he tries to help his Father at the cost of his own life. This raised the question "Am I willing to totally surrender my life to the Father this way?" As little Pinocchio lies dead on the bed the Father kneels beside him and because of his deep selfless love for the Father, Pincocchio's wish to be a real boy with a real heart is granted. He once was half alive (as a wooden toy) then he died to himself and was resurrected with a whole heart and reborn into realness. He is reunited with his Father and the whole household rejoices, dances and celebrates. The relationship between Pinocchio and His Father is not stagnant and stifled it is free, real, accepting and loving. The Father delights in His child and Pinocchio delights in his Father. 

The impact of seeing tangibly before my eyes this story, reaffirmed to me what I already knew about my God, His fatherly care, His tenderness, His relentless love. This story is a parable of a Heavenly Father's heart, but like with Jesus' parables a lot of people miss the point (I did previous times watching it). 

We too are born into this life (and even "new life") with an incomplete heart that cries out for the Father's restoration. Often even after coming to the Lord we make bad choices and sin. We too left our home and ran after the wrong crowd, whether that be in the form of people or if that be following satan's advice over God's. This sinfulness leaves a scar on us, on our hearts and soul, leaving us feeling worthless, wounded and invaluable. We too returned to Him and to get to Him have to jump into the ocean of His grace. He too will teach us that its the selfless act of dying to ourselves daily, by which we can be reborn. Not just reborn but reborn with the Spirit of God fully in us, reborn with Jesus in our hearts, reborn to life with the Father. 

Jesus promised life more abundant, His desire is for complete Sozo healing - healing that results in a whole heart without the chains and scars of the past, something that is an ongoing work of the Holy Spirit. A heart returned to an innocent, blameless, spotless state; the heart of a Child of God. A heart freed of the hurts accumulated while growing up and the wounds of "doing life". In the end after trial and tribulation, and after loving and repenting, Pinocchio got his Sozo healing and entered into a deeper realm of relationship with the Father, having become real and so more like Him. 

"if your heart is in your dreams.. no request is too extreme ... "
"Is anything too hard for me says the Lord" Jeremiah 32:26

Many Christians need healing too - to walk in freedom and joy requires going so much further than just becoming a Christian and accepting Jesus as Lord, He wants to be our healer and our friend too. So, whether you are a Christian already or not, bring to Him your brokenness, jump into the Ocean of Grace and ask Jesus to heal the innermost parts of your heart. I'm not going to pretend that this will be comfortable or quick, but to walk like in the fullness He promised in the freedom of Christ in worth it. Ask Him to reveal the memories you have repressed, the hurts from your past that navigate and control your emotions and reactions today, once you find the root, release it to Him and let Him take it gently out. Repent, forgive and release these things to Him - nothing is too hard for Him and the liberty that results is worth the discomfort of having your wounds cleaned.

Peace~

Mercy vs Grace

I heard a wonderful, simple parable today about the difference between grace and mercy.

"You are driving at 100 mph through a 30 mph zone. The cops catch you and they pull you over. They ask you why, but you can't give them a reason that would justify putting others in danger.
Mercy is that they let go without a ticket. You deserved punishment but they didn't punish you.
Grace is that they give you a $1million reward."

God shows us both grace and mercy.
We are sinful, and because of His justice He should punish us, but because of His character His love is greater than His justice.. He is perfect in His nature.
His justice demands that we are punished because we are unmerciful, unloving, unforgiving - even the best of us are sinful, even as children we demonstrate our fallenness.
Despite it all He can't bear to destroy us. His love is too great. He wants a relationship with us just as much as He did before the fall in Eden.

Therefore because of His mercy He does not punish us (when we accept Jesus as our reprieve).
But because of His grace He doesn't just begrudgingly forgive us... no instead He offers us a crown and adopts us into His Royal family, when we choose relationship with Him, when we choose to become His children.
Instead of punishing many He asks His son to take the punishment "once for all".
When we cry out for justice and punishment for those who have offended us- we are crying out for Him to destroy us, as with us He showed us love over Justice.

Lord teach us to love like you, to cover a multitude of sins and to not demand justice for the sin that are committed against us. Help us to understand and have deep revelation of Your love, Your mercy and Your grace. We have been forgiven a great debt, lets not be like the unmerciful servant who will not forgive a debt owed to Him, but to love as You love. We cannot do it by ourselves Lord, it is not in our nature, so Holy Spirit come and renew our minds and our hearts, make us like Jesus. In His name we ask Lord, Amen


Check out ibethel.com Kris Valliton's message "healing the whole man" - for more teaching on this parable.

Potted People... and our tender Gardener.

I have five potted plants in my apartment, each is a different species of plant and each is ever green but looks entirely different from the others. I love these plants as they bring some life into my city residence and I try my best to keep them alive.

One of the beautiful things about creation is that its very diverse. Some of these plants needed water every day, they start to droop to remind me if I forget. Some of these plants droop in complaint, if I over water them.
Some plants protest if they are not in the sunlight soaking in the rays, other wilt unless they are in a shady area.

Through sensitive trial and error I am gradually working out each plants "personality, likes and dislikes".

One of my plants has drooped - beyond repair.
I have tried more water.. I have tried less water, I have tried sunlight, I have tried shade, I have even tried praying on it - yes I know crazy Christian - but if Jesus can make a fig tree wilt He can also restore my little yellow flowered love. However nothing has worked. It died.

The Lord spoke to me as I pondered it. All creation is diverse, and as such humans are also diverse. Sure we are all Homo Sapians, and we have some shared experiences, but when it comes down to it, we have different needs, likes and wants. Spiritually too.. what will speak to one person will not speak to another, one form of worship will stir my soul, but you prefer a different style of worship. God speaks to me in a way that shows me He sees me, for you His “love notes” may be different because He knows how to garden you, and what will tap into your heart and hit your core in a way specific to you and your experience. Jesus is the only way, but He also said ‘every tribe and tongue” would be in that great crowd worshipping the Father, coming from all walks of life, God needs to meet us in different ways.

He tenderly cares of each of us, each person is different and He loves that diversity and is big enough to handle and enjoy it all. He loves it, and calls to us to love it too… To do so we need to be rooted deeply enough in our faith and our relationship with God that we cannot be shaken or threatened when God meets someone else in a different way (than He meets us). This can only come through relationship because love is real, and it births security where we know what we have with Him is real, significant and special regardless of what else He is doing in others lives. He has enough love for all of us. He sees me, He sees you. We are different but that is ok – in fact that is beautiful.

I would never choose to have 5 of the same plant in my apartment, I love that they all look different and have different qualities, I don’t mind getting to know their needs and tending to them individually, its worth it.

So Lord put Your love in our hearts, deliver us from this orphan mentality that believes that there is not enough love to go around, set me and us free from a self-righteous spirit that doesn't welcome diversity within the Christian faith Lord, help us to embrace each other in our differences and to worship you with one heart and voice..

“May they all be as one” - Jesus’ prayer - John 17

This is my God.

You gotta meet Him. The more I get to know Him, the more I walk in relationship with Him, the more I'm like - "I stand in awe of you".
These are not "church" words to me, these are not some songwriters words -these are words from my heart "You are so real, you are so amazing, you are so personal, I just don't even know what to do with it. I don't. If people knew how amazing you are - they would all run after Your heart, amazing God, my Papa."

My God is not boring (I will elaborate later - please just bear with me while I gush) - He is anything but boring. Unfortunately I will give you this - that *some* Christians are - and they give Him a bad rap, but please don't make this mistake. Take once glance at the beauty, creativity, diversity and imagination in creation all around us and know that Someone brilliant thought it all to life, Someone with an intense love for those same things, beauty, creativity, diversity and imagination.

This weekend I was having a brain explosion. I was not Miss Christiany Christianson that's for sure. I was frustrated and mad about alot of issues to do with Christianity (as we call it) and Christians. I was on a judging, angry, waring warpath. God is very personal in how He deals with people, its a person to person, day to day thing. This is why He gives us His spirit to discern person to person, day to day how to love, what we say and do and what the most loving and healing response at that time is. This weekend, those that were smart, let me vent and rage, they mourned with me over my issues and then prayed (silently) for me while I aired all my thoughts, they backed off verbally allowing me some growing space, not trying to indoctrinate me - but letting me process everything I was thinking. In faith they believed that my heart was seeking God and despite all of the mental brutalising of the Christian faith (as we see it today) that I was doing and that as I was His daughter - He could deal with me and sort me out. They did exactly what they needed to do - love me where I was at, and leave the rest to God. Those that were not so perceptive to my mourning (though well intentioned) tried to counsel me with well known scriptural truths - but truth not in season just ends up wounding and they were not met with a receptive heart.

Here is how I expressed my heart this weekend to a friend,

"Im in a weird place right now and im working things out... and being challenged is maybe something some christians can't handle - maybe they think Im heretical and maybe for their sake I need to step back right now because my battle is one where I want to get past the christiany -ese sunday school answers and go deeper and find real truth that I can take ownership of. I don't want someone telling me what to believe, I want it to be real to me.

I want to question; question God (not Him himself - He is perfect and beautiful - I have no issues with Him even though much of who He is remains a mystery to me), I want to question Christian rituals, question life, how to live my faith and question myself.
I want to have time to question my motives.. why do I get excited when God moves- is it because I love that person and want their salvation, or because I feel with His heart and burn with passion for them to know Him or is it because I am just excited to see God move, or is it because it makes me feel more like a "christian" because I have influenced someones faith...

I want to question why the church is so impotent when they have the power of God at their disposal. Why are we living such faithless, "normal" passionless lives when the early church was so clearly different. If we are the children of God - shouldn't we be different too? So why the lack or on the opposite end of the spectrum we have the radical but judging Christian.. Where are the restful loving christians who lives are like Jesus, and who have nothing to prove and are not afraid to be challenged and questioned because their faith is real and deep, tried and tested and their God is big enough for peoples questions and unbelief- so they do not feel threatened and close down. I want to fall into the last category but I'm not there yet.

..... I have a feeling that its a God thing that I am wrestling through this right now, but its extemely frustrating to be preached at, I know what the bible says... and I thank God that ____ didnt do that this weekend... and I think that maybe its totally ok with Him that I am not a mild, submissively accepting sunday-school quoting "Stepford" daughter, that I want it to be real to me and to know why I think what I think."

I hope this is enough to indicate the place I was in this weekend - you were blessed if we didn't talk!

Well since then my mind calmed and peace began to return and I waited for God to answer. I knew I was on the brink of working out alot of it and I called on the Holy Spirit that nothing would be lost from my weekend of ranting - but that all the thoughts that were from God that I aired would take root and bear fruit, and those that were not from Him would wilt away.

Tonight God answered it, He answered it all. A few days ago I had left my iTunes running with some worship songs, mixed in amongst it was a sermon from Bethel Church (iBethel.com). I had switched the volume off but didn't realize that iTunes had kept playing through the songs - silently. When I went to use my computer and hit the volume button it was playing the Sermon by Bill Johnson called Wisdom's Tension. Something in my spirit moved- I don't know how to explain it except to say that I knew that perhaps I was meant to listen to that sermon. However I am pretty stubborn and not that quick to act on things like this. I had listened to that sermon a few months ago and so rationalised that I didn't need to again, also I was about to head out and so I switched it off and forgot about it. At the gym tonight (a few days later) I pulled out my ipod and went to select something to listen to. I made my selection and hit it but randomly (?) it flicked up to a few songs above the one I selected - have a guess at what that mp3 file was? That's right - Wisdom's Tension sermon by Bill Johnson. Again my spirit was alerted and remembering what happened a few days before I decided to listen. I ended up praying on the bike on the gym because particular truth at the correct time moves and grows the soul - I was so blessed by what was shared. As the sermon progressed I actually exclaimed out loud more that once with joy and laughter because I was so freaked out at how it was EXACTLY dealing with ALL my issues from the weekend. This is my God. He is my biggest stalker and I LOVE IT!

Later I sat at my table, mind completely boggled at how lovingly He deals with all my issues and lack of faith, love and grace. Tonight I stand, totally in awe of Him and mind now at peace. (I will write another blog later about what the issues were and His answers).

Now onto the part about how He loves the "me" parts of me.
I am an artist. I am not amazing at art, but I have some talent and I love it. I find it incredibly therapeutic and I scored an A grade in my final exam of High/Grammar School at 18 and then took it again as a minor in University. I don't paint enough, but I would definitely list it as something that contributes to "who I am" and one of my great loves. A friend of mine knows this and has recently been encouraging me to paint prophetically (this I'm guessing just means to pray into it and then follow the spirit's leading as to what is painted and what style). Taking up painting again was something that had really been on my heart - so much so that I had already bought the paints a few weeks ago but only used them once since. I sat down at the table and prayed a simple prayer - "Lord your so creative, creative in your ultimate creation all around me and creative in your ways of dealing with me and loving me, come and teach me some of that creativity in Jesus name." My painting was not to be of any particular end, I was painting only for the pleasure of doing it, not as an act of worship or outreach specifically. I started to paint, planning on using a thick brush to do an abstract painting. Then quietly in my spirit I was prompted to turn the brush upside down and use the wooden end to mould the paint. I don't know how to describe it- except as a prompting. I was not thinking about changing my method of painting - in fact there was no thought process in coming to the decision to change style (I had already started with a different style of painting) but this prompting came and I responded. It created a beautiful effect totally different from anything I have ever done before, I love the final outcome. But what struck me the most was the fact that Papa God loves the fact I'm an artist. He digs the "me" parts of me. They are not insignificant to Him, its just one of the many parts of my being that intrigues Him. He loves to join with me, when invited, to be creative together - like an earthly Father joining with his daughter in a similar activity. I can honestly say tonight that He was as real as that to me. I've never before thought of how He likes the intricate parts of my character, I always just saw His love for me as generic I guess- He loves all mankind and so that includes me. Tonight I realized a Sunday School truth (how ironic -right?) that is - God loves me, for me. There is no one quite like me and He digs that.
He made me this way, and He loves to see His children enjoy their gifts. Not just for the blessing of others (which of course is good and right) but also simply because this part of my character, something that brings me joy and reflects a little of who my Heavenly Dad is. We sometimes mistake that our gifts are simply and exclusively for serving Him and others... but actually painting with Him tonight became a form of worship as He was invited in. In that alone it was enough, like a beautiful piece of pottery - it didn't need to have any more purpose than that.

He says..

I no longer call you servants but friends John 15.15
You shall no longer call me "Master" but you shall call me Husband Hosea 2.16

This is who He is, this is what He is seeking- relationship, to know and be known. Doctrine, structure, rituals they all are secondary to relationship. He is seeking friendship, our part is to seek Him first and everything else will fall into place.

In light of this intimacy sometimes I forget how huge He is, the creator of all things, bending down to paint with me.
I stand in Awe (and joy) of who He is.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

I teach a kid called Tiger. You might raise your eyebrows and say "Thats unfortunate name.. " but then you meet his older sister, whose name is Sugar.

Before I met Tiger I had heard all about him, in fact he was the talk of the school. Its unusual for a British school to accept an older student with zero english, but by accepting Tiger's family (allegedly due to high social standing) we ended up with 4 non-english speakers. Due to the age restriction in the lower school, I teach only Tiger and his younger sister Anna (she got off easy).

I try not to judge a pupil on past teachers reports. Children are just as susceptible to personality clashes as adults are, they have their bad days as we do, bad years even. Also, changes in circumstance, self-image, homelife or relations within the school can alter the child's behaviour and academic performance. While what a previous teacher says can indeed be spot on and much can be gleaned from it, it can also be as helpful as talking to your current partners ex, and so needs to be treated with caution.

Past teachers reported that Tiger was "hostile" to speaking english, that his motivation for speaking english was zero and that after a year of everyday one-on-one withdrawal support from an Ivy League trained EAL teacher last year, he still speaks no english. He is back with the same class teacher he had last year and in the first week she excitedly entered the staff room to tell us that he had said "Hello teacher" to her that morning, she was thrilled that he had voluntarily spoken to her! Her enthusiasm at this simple phrase worried me, before I came to China I could have managed the same in Mandarin, was this really all he was capable of? But I was detirmined to not judge him until I saw him for myself. When I finally met him I was surprised to see a big, ambling boy (Balloo would have been a more appropriate name), shy and self-conscious he barely spoke or looked at me and was not at all what I had been expecting. In his testing however he scored according to past teachers expectation.

When I started at my new school, I began to pray for the students, especially the students I deal with day to day. Everyday I pray for Tiger, both about his life and his english capability. My God is a linguistic God. When the disciples first started preaching at the beginning of Acts, each man heard it in their own language. Language is never a barrier with our God- who could be a better teacher than the Holy Spirit.

For Tiger, the result of him not being able to speak english, is that he is not able to access the curriculum in any area. He is missing out on vital academic years. But yesterday I saw the breakthrough of prayer, and the very real value and reward of inviting God into every part of our lives. During our lesson I used some visual aids with Tiger to address new vocabulary. He was highly motivated by the visual and kinesthetic aspects of the lesson. We went through many new words and he was more engaged than I had ever seen him and things seemed to be clicking. I shared my encouragement with his teacher later, and she replied that the previous teacher had tried many things but nothing ever stuck, she told me to test him the next day to see if he would remember.

Today I tested him on the new vocabulary, he eagerly and without hesitation responded correctly to each one. Not only that but he was able to spell almost every new word. This is the child that couldn't spell j-a-m (by using single sound phonics - a KG technique) 3 weeks ago now able to spell church, chin, chicken, cherry etc. This is not my work, this is the Lord's mercy and outpouring, this is a direct response to a very simple prayer.

As people, made in the image of God our words (like His words - in Genesis) have creative power. Jesus said "I give you the keys to the kingdom". Power and responsibility have been given to God's people. Cursing and blessing lies in our hands. With the power to bless we can channel heaven's glory into the lives of those around us. God doesn't need us to complete His work, but because He wants us to grow in our hearts and spirits, and to walk in relationship with Him, He allows us to be an instrument in His hands to reveal Himself on earth.
Much like the potter and clay, a clay pot can do nothing much if it leaves the hands of the potter and attempts to do its own thing. But an clay instrument in the hands of the potter will do many things, according to the purpose the potter made it for. We as Christians have the ability to bless those around us, the taxi driver, the woman on bike driving past, the shop assistant, we have the power to speak blessing into their lives. More than that, those who are not strangers to us, those whose weakness and areas of need are very clear us, we have the power to speak blessing into those area of our friends, co-workers and even enemies lives. We have the power to pour out the God the glory and to make Him known on this earth.

Unlike the god of the prophets of Baal, our God never sleeps, he is never on vacation or at the bathroom (1Kings18). No, our God is eagerly listening for your heart's cry and the words of your mouth, because our God is a God that speaks blessing over His enemies and He wants His children to bear His image, He wants His children to have that heart of love and compassion and to become more and more like our Daddy. Jesus said "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. (Matthew 5:44)
If we love our enemies, how much more should we love those all around us, those who are our friends, co-workers and family. Many of whom may be living in darkness. But darkness only makes the light seem brighter, so shine and release His light and blessing into their lives.

Daddy, Transform our hearts and minds - and make us more like You that you may be known and glorified and that unbelievers would turn from their unbelief and seek to know You. I pray that through your children those who don't know you would receive your love and blessing and that by your Spirit's work their hearts would be drawn to seek more of You. That we might be a taster, to whet their appetite towards You. That in beholding the grace, love and blessing that flows from your children, many would run with desire to meet our King. Jesus, you never had to promote yourself, the crowds ran to follow you, may your character be so reflected in us that people in our circles become captivated by you. For you are worthy of worship Lord, In your name Jesus, Amen

Be Still and Know that I am God.

About a month ago I had a "God" dream. For me its not hard to know when my dreams are from God. I only recall having dreams if there is something spiritual going on there.

This particular dream was set in Ireland, where I was at the time. In the dream I was standing on one of those idyllic rolling green hills looking over the field. On the horizon I saw tornadoes coming, there was about 5 or 6 of them. As they swirled closer and closer to me, I remember thinking, "There are no tornadoes in Ireland, what on earth is going on?" I knew I was in grave danger but instead of running, I fell flat down on the ground and held onto the grass. Then I remember thinking, "Lord if I live or if I die I know that you are in control and that is enough for me."

A tornado is unpredictable, destructive and frightening and I believe its no coincidence that since that dream, in the last month, my life has been thrown into upheaval and there have been a few experiences both personally and professionally that have left me disorientated, stressed, afraid, completely helpless and anxious. Phil 4 tells us "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything offer prayer and supplication to God", but this easier said than done no doubt. Especially when the experiences that rage around you are completely out of your control. There is no escape and no other option but to sit tight and let it pass. People of all walks of life and of all faiths will face situations like this over their life span. But what makes those who walk with God different? What is our comfort?
What has gotten me through this time of testing my faith is ultimately God's grace. In the midst of these things beyond my control, there was a sense of His sovereignty in other unrelated things that also could have caused me trouble. I've seen His provision, His taking care of things for me so that I was not overcome or overwhelmed. His gentle persistance in talking to me, leading me to pray and worship and being in my life in a personal daily way - like a good "dad" that He is, allowed me to trust Him when the tornadoes came. He hasn't sent me into this storm and expected blind faith, instead He is right here with me, just as Jesus was with Peter when they were walking on the water. His presence has brought me the security that "this too will pass", that He knows exactly what He's doing, exactly where we are going and exactly what will happen next. By trusting in His past faithfulness and the goodness of His character I am able to take His hand and call on Him through prayer for help in times when I feel fearful.

A big part of faith comes from knowing that He is good, that His personality and love are flawless and that He is so much bigger than my mistakes and weaknesses. By remembering who He has been to me in the past and who He is reflected by His word, I have been able to heartify the lesson I already had learned in my dream; If God is for me... it doesn't really matter what is happening, I know that He has got it. If I live or die I am with Him, and its good.

As I've been thinking about this, I thank the Lord that I've been given parents that have always acted in a way that was for my best interest. Sadly I have many friends who didn't have this privledge. But for me, if my parents acted in a way that seemed to be to my detriment or that I was loosing out on something, I always realised afterwards that it was for my good that they had done this. A classic example is a toddler playing with a knife - you take it off them, not to deprive them but to love them and to protect them. Being able to trust my parents in this way was such a beautiful thing and even more so now because it has helped me to view God in this way too. When I'm in the eye of the storm, and events and people rage around me, I look up to the one who is at perfect peace in all circumstance because He is Lord over all things, He is Sovereign. But it is not His bigness that allows me to trust Him, its not His power - but its His goodness. I know that as big as He is, He sees me.
He sees me.He sees His little girl and in all thing He has my best interest at heart. He wants for me, the best and most whole life that I can have. His plans for me are much greater than anything I could put together, and He know exactly how to get there.

Sometimes thats means He will give - until the cup overflows and the storehouse can hold no more. Sometimes He will take away, even something that is most precious to us because it has become an idol. Sometimes He will lead us in to the valley of the spirit of death.. and sometimes by His spirit He will lead us into the wilderness to be tested (Luke 4:1-12). But we can be sure that He will also lead us by still waters to rest (Psalm 23).

The question is not "why did you lead me here Lord", the question is "what do you want me to learn, how through this experience will I become more like You? Closer to You and how am I going to grow in this season". This time on earth, is a time to learn to know Him, to know His beautiful character. It is a matter of growth, we don't have to wait until Heaven to experience the love and glory of God in our everyday lives. These times of good and bad experiences are a chance to grow and to put those roots down deep into the soil of His love. (Eph 3). When you have to trust God, you get to see how much He loves you and how worthy He is of your trust.

"I will fear no evil, for my God is with me... and if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear, whom then shall I fear??"

There is a beautiful poem that I want to share...

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Oftimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not till the loom in silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Anon



Rom 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.